If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
