I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
and she was petting her beer can
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
