A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
