Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
