i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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