i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
