so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize