I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Randomize
