So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
