she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
