im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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