U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
