I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Randomize
