I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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