I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
