i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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