Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
