can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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