So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
