I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize
