I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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