There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
