wanna go halves on a baby?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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