I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize