I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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