I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
