i just had sex bonerless
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Randomize
