i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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