8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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