I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I just made out with a guy for $7.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
