So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
