Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize