My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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