Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
