mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
