he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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