you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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