I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize