Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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