Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
