We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
