Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize
