I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
