I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
