i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
