My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
