I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
