Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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