i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize