So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
