i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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