the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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