So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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