"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
