If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Randomize