I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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