meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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