apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
