Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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