his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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