I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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