Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Randomize
