apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
