Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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