Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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