Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
