There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
