You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
