Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
